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Ben Bernanke Swearing

Ben Bernanke, chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve appeared at a congressional hearing today to answer questions about the apparent economic downturn. Bernanke told those attending the hearing, “Guys, I don’t have a fucking clue how to turn this shit around. I’m as freaked out about this as everyone else.”

Members of the Hill met in a closed door session following the Bernanke testimony and pondered the possible choices. One suggestion was to plead with the banks to please take more cheap money from the Fed to make it available to consumers to stimulate spending. But aides said that last time this was attempted the only thing that happened was that banks took the cheap money and raised credit card interest rates of consumers to try to offset losses from bad lending decisions elsewhere in the bank.

Chairman Bernanke was called back in to appears before the congressional committee again and when pressed about what to do to turn the recession around he suggested that every man and woman should be give a gift card to either Best By or Circuit City.

“If we just give consumers cash they’ll just use it to pay down their debt and we don’t want them to do that. We want them to spend so let’s stop the tax rebate charade and just give them money in a form that they must spend using the gift cards.”, Bernanke said.

One congressman was heard to mumble, “Spending money at Hooter’s helps the economy also, right?” Others in attendance agreed. It was decided by a unanimous vote that the IRS would not make anyone fill out some stupid form and instead the gift cards would just be sent. Unable to decide on which one to send, the members of the committee decided to send $50 gift cards from Best Buy, Circuit City and Hooters to every registered address.

giftcardrotator.gif

laurie.jpg“I look at it this way”, said a congressman from Odesa Texas, “If the economy won’t get stimulated with this damn spending at least sompin will at Hooters.” Either way you chase the pig, I guarantee some damn things going to get stimulated and that’s all I promised my people back home.”

A congressman from California chimed right in and said, “WTF, this plan can’t be any dumber than sending checks out to people and telling them to go to Disney. I’m for it, rock and roll, let’s do it.”

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Steve

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